One of the biggest problems I keep seeing coming up when I talk to more people with depression, is the difficulty that other people have in understanding depression. I know that I personally didn’t understand at all what was going on with Kody initially. He told me he was depressed, but I had no real idea of what that meant. As a result, I gave a lot of really bad advice.

For example, I would say if he didn’t feel like getting out of bed, to give himself a timeline for laying there and then choose to get up. Looking back on this, it is hilarious to imagine. I basically was telling him what worked for me as a person who didn’t have depression. It wasn’t even possible for me to give the right kind of advice as I didn’t even experience what he was experiencing. To me, depression was easily overcome, because when I feel depressed I give myself guidelines to help me overcome it. I push myself to do something I enjoy and that actually turns my day around.

The key point here is that there is a huge difference between being depressed in the moment and actually having continuing, chronic, long term depression. The two are not remotely comparable. Of course, anyone who doesn’t have depression, cannot understand depression the same way that someone who has it can. So to those who live with these normal minor episodes of depression, it looks like it is easy to overcome depression. We become depressed when something doesn’t go our way or after a life change. The difference here is there is a trigger. Something that makes that depression more easy to overcome.

Those who are actually suffering from depression the way that Kody was, don’t have the ability to get over it since there isn’t a direct moment that is causing it. I remember laying in bed with Kody regularly talking about all the things that were good in his life, the list of things worth living for. To me this would be something that was encouraging, but to Kody this couldn’t make even close to a dent in what he was feeling. Sometimes, this was worse since he often expressed that he did not deserve those things in his life. That is because his depression hinged on something beyond the smaller problems of day to day life. Thinking of good moments, wouldn’t help. Just getting over it, wasn’t possible. I get this now, but at the time I was so frustrated.

It is incredibly challenging to go from having someone who is happily planning a great day tomorrow, to someone hiding away all day. This was a constant in my life. During the week, we’d say we’d do something fun on the weekend. By the time the weekend came, he wouldn’t have the energy. It wasn’t a matter of getting more sleep. It wasn’t about just pushing through. It was depression.

One of the hardest parts of this was that Kody could be so happy. There would be long periods of time where he was so productive. He would have the energy to work on the yard, go on long hikes, and see friends and family. Then there would be long periods of time where this would vanish. It wouldn’t always look the same either. Sometimes, depression looked like sleeping 17 hours straight. Sometimes, it looked like playing games all day. Other times, it would be just a more brooding Kody able to move and function, but not really there.

This made it even more challenging to understand. It looked like sometimes he was able to shake it off. This wasn’t what was happening, but from the outside it looked doable. I remember more recently just a few months before his death, I shared a picture of a paragraph of text going around on Facebook. It was a ridiculous post that gave ideas for dealing with depression.

It reads like this:

“DEPRESSION TIPS: Shower. Not a bath, a shower. Use water as hot or cold as you like. You don’t even need to wash. Just get in under the water and let it run over you for a while. Sit on the floor if you gotta. Moisturize everything. Use whatever lotion you like. Unscented? Dollar store lotion? Fancy 48 hour lotion that makes you smell like a field of wildflowers? Use whatever you want, and use it all over your entire dermis.

Put on clean, comfortable clothes. Put on your favorite underwear. Put them on. Drink cold water. Use ice. If you want, add some mint or lemon for an extra boost. I always use lemon. Clean something. Doesn’t have to be anything big. Organize one drawer of a desk. Wash five dirty dishes. Do a load of laundry. Scrub the bathroom sink.

Blast music. Listen to something upbeat and dancey and loud, something that’s got lots of energy. Sing to it, dance to it, even if you suck at both. Make food. Don’t just grab a granola bar to munch. Take the time and make food. Even if it’s ramen. Add something special to it, like a soft boiled egg or some veggies. Prepare food, it tastes way better, and you’ll feel like you accomplished something.

Make something. Write a short story or a poem, draw a picture, color a picture, fold origami, crochet or knit, sculpt something out of clay, anything artistic. Even if you don’t think you’re good at it. Create. Go outside. Take a walk. Sit in the grass. Look at the clouds. Smell flowers. Put your hands in the dirt and feel the soil against your skin.

Call someone. Call a loved one, a friend, a family member, call a chat service if you have no one else to call. Talk to a stranger on the street. Have a conversation and listen to someone’s voice. If you can’t bring yourself to call, text or email or whatever, just have some social interaction with another person. Even if you don’t say much, listen to them. It helps.

Cuddle your pets if you have them/can cuddle them. Take pictures of them. Talk to them. Tell them how you feel, about your favorite movie, a new game coming out, anything. May seem small or silly to some, but this list keeps people alive. *** At your absolute best you won’t be good enough for the wrong people. But at your worst, you’ll still be worth it to the right ones. Remember that. Keep holding on. ***

In case nobody has told you today I love you and you are worth your weight and then some in gold, so be kind to yourself and most of all keep pushing on!!!! Find something to be grateful for! May I please get 2 friends or family members to copy and re-post? I am trying to demonstrate that someone is always listening.#SuicideAwareness#HaveARealConversation#22aday 1-800-273-8255 Reposting for a friend.”

I sent it to him, because it was exactly the problem of people who don’t have depression trying to make depression better. Kody thought this post was so ridiculous. He said, “so in other words, you know how to get over depression? Don’t be depressed.” As someone who had lived with someone with depression this post made me laugh as well. Someone with real long term depression cannot necessarily even do one thing from this list, much less more than one of them. After reading the list he said, “sounds exhausting.” I agree. We laughed especially about the part about moisturizing.

Seriously? Moisturize? If you don’t feel like showering, and manage to stand under the water, you’re not spending extra moments on a morning routine. Lots of these things make me feel good when I am depressed, but they’re not things that would work for someone with depression. I don’t know how to make the distinction clear enough, but it is simply not the same.

We can’t keep demanding that people with serious, life altering, suicidal thoughts all the time, depression just get over it with self care. It isn’t possible to do any of this self care when you literally don’t want to do anything kind for yourself. I don’t know that there is a way for people to understand depression better. But we have to try harder.