After the death of someone we love, we are searching for signs that they are still with us. From my experience, suicide loss survivors feel this even more acutely. I believe that this is because suicides are sudden, heart wrenching, and leave people wondering whether their loved one is at peace. My beliefs are that after a loved one passes on they are still able to reach out to us.

It is easy for me to find signs that Kody sends me. For example, the week that Kody died, it poured rain every day. Later that week, I found out that a storm system known as a baroclinic leaf brought in all of the heavy rain and stormy weather. It was fascinating to me for two reasons. First, all the days leading up to the day he died were beautiful and unseasonably sunny for September. Secondly, Kody and I both had tattoos on our fingers shaped exactly the way the leaf in the storm drawings showed.

I knew with extreme certainty that this was a sign from him. I shared the sign with many people who knew him. Some people believe in signs, while others think that this is a coincidence. I feel that everyone is entitled to their own opinion. They are entitled to a different opinion from mine. But I know mine is the right one (joke, this is a joke). I’ll keep searching for signs.

My version of spirituality allows me to be in fairly close contact with Kody even now he has passed on. I’m not talking seances or anything like that. But I am open to accepting signs and communications from the other side, while other people may not be.

For the first days after Kody’s body was found, I received different songs in my head. These included selections like “I Believe I Can Fly,” and a specific girl scout song called “If You Love Me”. That song talks about planting a rose or an apple tree when you love someone so you’ll still have something after they’ve gone. That same day I found a rose on my rose bush. Also a perfect apple still on my apple tree even though the season was far too late for both.

In addition to these moments, I’ve had dreams where I’ve talked with Kody. His cat always comes and snuggles me at moments when I’m struggling. His sister sees beautiful rainbows and experienced moments of trickster spirit that could only belong to Kody. Others feel his presence in many other ways.

The signs are everywhere if you just look out for them. A rose on a bush, a leaf in the storm, even a cat on your chest, all of these can be signs. Kody flies free in . . . well wherever he’s gone on to. He’s still sending us messages. Whether it’s playing jokes on his sister or spreading a beautiful double rainbow across the sky. This keeps me searching for signs.