Grief is a funny thing. Have I said that before? (This is where you can all chime in and say ugh, yes.) The weirdest thing to me even now is that there is happiness. Having happiness among grief should be something common to me by now. But for some reason it isn’t.

I’ve reached a point now where there are mornings where I wake up happy. For no reason at all. It’s shocking to me I think because it’s been so long since that’s happened. I go outside and enjoy the feel of the sunshine and the sounds of the birds. I’ve emerged from a winter of despair to a spring of hope.

Nothing will ever change the fact that Kody is dead. Nothing will change the fact that he killed himself because he couldn’t live life with depression. But somehow that’s easier to face as the days go by. They say time heals all wounds. Maybe that’s true.

I’m starting to remember things about Kody without feeling so sad. I can look at our pictures and not want to cry. It makes me think of the Pixar moving Inside Out (a favorite of Kody’s) where memories are being tinged by sadness. The memories I looked back on with sadness are now starting to carry more of a happy sad feeling.

Is this a new stage of grief, unfamiliar to me? I think it must be. There is happiness among grief, when I do look at old pictures or hear a song that reminds me of Kody. I can look both forward and backward without so much pain.

It makes me think of the life Kody and I shared together. There were moments of pain, but moments of great happiness as well. We shared so much joy getting tea, going on hikes, experiencing countless moments of laughter. We snatched all the joy we could even with his battle with depression. There was happiness in that journey just as there is happiness among grief.