This is the time of the day that often reminds me of Kody. It’s the time when the stars are still out and the birds are not yet chirping, but still morning. It’s the time of day where Kody would send me pictures of the sky. They say it is darkest before dawn, but Kody never seemed to see that as true. Out camping tonight, I can feel the anticipation of dawn and if Kody was here, I’d send him a picture of the sky. But I am making memories without him tonight.

Kody and I always intended to go camping. This tent is one we purchased on sale right before school supplies invaded the store. We intended to camp that September once kids were back in school. We even spent time with our dog Leo out in the yard getting him ready for camping. But in September we never went. Even though we meant to.

I think back and wonder why we never got around too it. We were busy. Things kept coming up. He slept till noon and then we didn’t bother to go. The reasons were endless. We had everything to go and just didn’t. Maybe we just really didn’t want to.

I could blame seasonal depression. The fact that Kody became darker as the days got shorter. But it was me too. I didn’t push. I was too tired to push. It was one thing to deal with a darkened Kody at home. Out in the wilderness it felt like maybe he’d slip away in the night and disappear.

Now as I’m camping in the tent we bought with the dog we raised, and friends and family with me, I can’t help wishing we’d gone. It would have been worth making memories with him. More to look back on with happiness. As the world spins on, I am making memories without him. Part of that is frightening. But part of it is wonderful.

While it feels like a small betrayal, this is me living. Living without him. And no matter how odd that feels, living is the right thing to do.