While grief is no longer something that occupies every moment of my being, there are times where everything hurts. There are moments where the truth of the world washes over me and I miss Kody so deeply. In moments like these I can hardly breathe. Life after loss is incredibly challenging.

When I am writing in my blog, it sometimes feels like screaming into a void. I put words out into the universe. Hoping that something somewhere is taking them in. Whether anyone hears them or not, getting them out is so important.

I miss Kody. I miss my best friend with every fiber of my being. There will never be more conversations or walks on trails with him. Not having Kody around anymore is so incredibly hard. I miss the texts late at night and the days we laid out on rocks outdoors and just shared each other’s company. There’s an empty spot in my life without him here.

Life after loss sucks. And what no one tells you is that it continues to suck. I can go days without thinking much about it, but it always comes back. Grief doesn’t ever go away. You just kind of get used to it being there.

Suicide may have freed Kody, but it imprisoned everyone he loved in a world of hurt. Living each and every day without him is a challenge. Wonderful moments are shadowed by the wish that he was around to share them. That is something I know I’ll never be fully free from. Life after loss goes on. But nothing is the same.

If you’re contemplating suicide, know that you are so special. You are important even if it doesn’t feel like it. You matter in ways that you may never see yourself. I know that life is better with you in it. Even if it doesn’t feel that way.