This month has been incredibly challenging for me so far. It’s hard to get the energy to do anything. I go to work. I come home. And I miss my best friend. Those are the only things I can really do. Suicide loss is sometimes all consuming.

When I write on my blog or when I talk to my friends, the only thing I want to say is I miss Kody. I miss him with every fiber of my being. The idea of living without him for the rest of my life is so painful I can’t even grasp it. There are only so many ways to say I miss him and I’m pretty sure I’ve said them all a thousand times.

I lay and go over all of our conversations in my head. I think through moments of our lives together. His smile haunts me. His sadness still hurts me. It is so hard to smile when I can still feel how sad he was. When I still have to live with the result of his sadness.

Where Kody was, there is a gaping hole in my life. Nothing fills this hole. Nothing ever will. There are some days where I can deal with the hole. Other times, I am frozen. I am barely able to breathe. My whole soul aches for him.

I am left full of missing. Full of love that has nowhere to go. Suicide loss is the most painful thing I have ever gone through. It hasn’t stopped hurting the way I expected it to. Parts of this pain have faded, but there is a continual ache, a pain that will not go away.