Dealing with life after loss can be a challenge any day of the year, but holidays often hit harder. I think what is most difficult is just the way that loss feels on those holidays. It is easier to remember the times with the people that we’ve loved and lost when they are marked by specific days of the year. All week, I’ve felt Christmas creeping nearer and even though this is the second Christmas without Kody, it seems more challenging than the first.
Kody loved Christmas with the passion of a nine year old. He’d wake me and the animals up early on Christmas day. His family celebrates Christmas together on Christmas Eve, so the rush and bustle of family and gifts would be over by the time we got to Christmas morning. He’d wake up in an excellent mood ready to relax and really enjoy the day. Much like Halloween, Kody loved to decorate for Christmas and to get everything ready for the celebration. Giving gifts was always more important to him than receiving them and he loved making family and friends happy with whatever he got them.
Christmas without him around is still strange to me. There is no smell of coffee in the morning or the early morning text from him brimming with excitement about the day. Without that enthusiasm, I am finding it difficult to find my own enthusiasm for the moments as well. There is something about life after loss that gives the holidays a sharpened edge. Christmas day holds different landmines to avoid. It is challenging to smile through it, when inside you are missing people that you love.
This year, I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum when it comes to Christmas. I’ve purchased the bare essentials when it comes to gifts, waited until the last possible moment to wrap them, and tried to keep any anticipation of Christmas from my mind. This year, the only place I went above and beyond was in decorating. I’ve put so much into making my home look beautiful this year. Filling the whole place with light and joy is still challenging, but just having the beauty of the lights is something I can embrace.
These are quite literally my lights in the darkness. They are guiding me back to Christmas after loss. So while I might be avoiding Christmas music and wrapping a single gift, but I think I am ready for tomorrow. I have my cozy sweatshirts and the lights around my home to help me avoid the darkness. I hope that in the coming years, holidays will be more joyful for me, but I am content to wait for that. Life after loss really is one step forward and one step back sometimes.