When it comes to talking about grieving, sometimes it feels easier to talk about the sadness, the woe is me moments, and the very normal parts of grief . One of the things that seems to be missed, even when I look at my own blog is the joy. Now, you might say where are you finding joy in grief? Bizarrely, the joy is everywhere in grief. Stay with me, I’ll explain.

Now joy and grief sound like antonyms to most people. This is especially true if you haven’t been grieving for very long. The first part of loss is often that empty stunned feeling that seems to last a thousand years. Over time, the loss may still feel just as acute, but there are more and more moments of joy that you can find even in the grief. Joy in grief comes from those memories, the things that you loved about a person that makes you miss them in the first place. Those moments may initially draw tears, but eventually the joy will shine through the grief.

I’ll give you an example. One of the original intentions of my project with Kody’s infinite playlist was to listen to all the music that was important to him. The end goal, though I may not have originally admitted it was for me to release his collection of CDs rather than hoarding them away in my home forever. Of course, a fire starting right next to where they were stored took away the ability for me to say goodbye to them slowly, but a complete catalog still exists thanks to my excellent content organizers (yes there are blessings even in a tragic house fire).

One of our favorite CDs drifted to the front of my mind because of this catalog of Kody’s music. Its the Guardians of the Galaxy Awesome Mix Volume 2. What is this music? Old stuff, a really good compellation of some great older music that honestly fit Kody to a T. This a mix of music that is quirky, wild, out of this world, and just wholesome as can be. Kody in a nutshell in other words. The items on the CD range from hilarious ballads like Come a Little Bit Closer and old classics like Surrender to mellower selections like Father and Son.

I was happy to discover the joy in grief when I listened to this music again. For one, I challenge anyone to listen to this music without smiling even once. For another, just listening to it brings back so many memories of goofy Kody rather than sad depressed Kody. This was the CD we played hundreds of times more than any of the others in his collection. It is the one we danced around the house to while we were in the middle of our speedy deep cleans. It is the one that we sang to at the top of our lungs during long car rides. Most importantly, it features the song Brandy by Looking Glass, which had to be one of the songs that we loved the most.

This song was one that we knew at least well enough that we could belt out lyrics with insane confidence. Its the song for us that unlocked our inner Kody and Nyasha-ness. To this day, I cannot listen to the song without joining in with half remembered lyrics. When I do, I can so clearly see him laughing and smiling to the music. This is the joy in grief. I can miss him and still feel the joy that the song always brought to us. He is smiling along with me.