It seems we have reached the end of the year yet again. Another year of grief during the holidays. I feel like it is getting easier, but perhaps that is because there is so much more to grieve this year. The rawness of grief is gone. I can breathe again when I think about you and all the memories that we made together. Yet, the moments you are missing still hurt.

I really thought that the sharpness in grief was never going to go away, that I would always have this painful stitch in my mind. But this year, I can miss you without it crushing me. I can remember your silliness with a smile and not a sob. It still hurts, not waking up to a text from you wishing me Merry Christmas, as you were always the first one to do so. But it is a dull hurt now.

They say the grieving gets easier over time. Maybe they’re right. Or maybe my grief became easier to carry along with me as I have gotten used to carrying it. When you decided to remove yourself from this world, you took a part of everyone with you. None of us will ever get that back. The grief during the holidays comes from the acute passage of time. Holidays remind us of all that you are missing.

You are missing so much. Your nieces and nephews are transforming. They are becoming incredible beautiful human beings. It sucks that you will never see them becoming who they will continue growing to be. There are big losses, like this one and little everyday things that add up. You are missing beautiful sunrises, special days spent at the beach, and the most wonderful incredible storms with rain perfect for running in. You are missing birthdays, holidays, and day to days.

We are missing perhaps more. Your smile is no longer around to brighten the room. We are missing out on moments of laughter as well as those quiet moments just siting in comfortable silence. There are big losses like the fact that we won’t ever get to see what you would have become and everyday things that add up. We are missing silly selfies, long walks in nature, and the special moments that make a friendship life long. We are left with a thousand shattered fragments of moments that will never come.

I will never forgive depression for taking you from us. Depression is a disease. I know that you would never have made the choice to miss all of these important moments if it weren’t for this terrible disease. One moments choice continues to reverberate through time. The echoes of what should have been and wasn’t.