With the coming of spring, I seem to have reached a new point in my grieving process. I have my energy back. I am capable of getting things done again. Rather than just existing, I am living. Suicide loss isn’t something you get over in one night, but over time.

After Kody’s death and the death of my mother, I was getting things done. I was cleaning out my grandpa’s house, decorating my home, and working hard when I was at work. On the surface, I was functioning, but almost in more of a blind panic. I was doing to fill time and space, not because I wanted to. I was afraid to exist in stillness for fear that grief would catch up and overwhelm me.

Over time, the doing was less as there was less to do. I reached a point of stasis. In the world, I was functioning while at home I was more of a slug. After the doing was over, I was spending time just laying around watching TV. I was afraid of the silence. I dreaded the night because each day as the sun went down, I was alone and unable to escape my feelings. Existing in the dark was harder than existing in the day. Facing suicide loss head on felt too difficult.

I have more recently started to feel an energy that I haven’t felt in a long time. I am doing, not with the hope of covering grief, but actually because I want to. There is joy again in the small things. A flower on a bush or the new sprouts of my clover peaking up through the grass. Even the sounds of the birds in the morning. I don’t feel so much emptiness and longing.

Is this acceptance? Could it be that I have reached a point where I am safe to draw a calm and steady breath, safe to be in silence and darkness without being attacked by waves of grief? It is both satisfying and terrifying. Living in a world without Kody no longer feels strange. When dreams come, I don’t cry anymore. Accepting my suicide loss, living in the world once more, it’s scary. I just hope I’m ready for whatever’s next.