I was recently looking over the t-shirt blanket that I made from Kody’s shirts. Each one of these holds memories that I am really glad to have. The one that I connect with most is the baby Cthulhu t-shirt. When I think about Kody, I almost always picture him in that shirt. I bought the shirt for him along with several other ones from TeeTurtle. The shirt itself isn’t special apart from the fact that he wore it so much.

When I look through pictures of Kody, I find so many where I know he’s wearing the shirt. Even if there is only the tiniest glimpse of the shirt through his jacket, I know that it is that shirt that he is wearing. The shirt features the little green sea monster playing in an inflatable kiddie pool. In pictures, he wears the shirt while we’re driving to the beach, at the top of Mt. Pilchuck, and even in Ireland. This shirt is intrinsically woven into some of the best moments that we spent together.

After Kody died, I went to his apartment to go through his things with his sister. When I got there, one of the things that I was looking for was the baby Cthulhu t-shirt. I remember talking to him in my head the night before and saying, “if you shot yourself in that shirt, I am going to be pissed.” In his apartment, I worried I would not be able to find the shirt. It had meant so much to him and to me that I really worried that it wouldn’t be there.

Luckily, Kody had chosen some other shirt to wear when he left his apartment for the last time. I had initially expected to be looking for the shirt for a long time, digging through all of his clothes. However, when I pulled out the cube that contained most of his t-shirts it was right on top, folded perfectly so baby Cthulhu was showing, waiting for me. It felt like he’d put it there just for me.

The shirt was the first one that I set aside in his apartment, not quite sure what I’d do with it yet, but knowing it wasn’t something I could donate. The idea of anyone else walking around in that shirt just didn’t sit right in my mind. I know realistically that it is just a shirt, but too me and to him it was so much more than that. I feel so sure, that the shirt was laid out like that just for me. Somehow he’d known I’d be looking for it.