I recently finished reading (and by reading I mean listening to the book on Audible) Wintersmith by Terry Pratchett. In the book, Tiffany Aching has a necklace that reminds her of home. Her mentor Granny Weatherwax often huffs about it, calling it a mere trinket on more than one occasion. It isn’t something that Tiffany needs to be a witch, but it helps her to focus. The horse necklace in the book, reminds me of the leaf necklace that I have worn around my neck since my suicide loss. Having a piece of Kody with me everywhere isn’t necessary, but is sometimes a great help.

In the early days of grief after suicide took Kody from the world, it was so challenging for me to focus on anything. It is shocking to look back now, almost a year from when he left the world and to realize that grief no longer consumes me like this. I am no longer just getting through each day, dragging myself through each day, but now actually living. There are parts of this that feel wrong. How can the world just go on without him? How am I living day to day without my best friend?

Soon after I received Kody’s ashes, I knew that I wanted a trinket to carry with me that would carry a piece of him in it. I ended up selecting a silver leaf necklace that reminded me of the matching leaf tattoos that Kody and I had. This leaf holds the tiniest possible amount of ash. Honestly, it needn’t hold any at all, but its more in the spirit of the thing. I can wear the necklace anywhere and know that part of Kody is with me. Better than that, it is not so obvious as other types of jewelry for cremains, so it isn’t as if anyone has to know what is around my neck.

The necklace is a point of focus for me. It helps me to focus on the fact that Kody is always with me. Of course, this is true whether I wear the necklace or not. The physical necklace is a mere trinket, but it represents that grounding force that Kody has always been for me. When I am fidgety or anxious, I can run my fingers over the tactile parts of the necklace or along its chain and I am more grounded. It is the physical notion of the necklace that is helpful to me.

Sometimes in grief, I have to remind myself when to be human. The necklace helps with that for me in a very real way. I am reminded to stop and breathe in the moments that a breath is needed. I am grounded when I otherwise feel like I’m spiraling loose. There is no physical need for the necklace anymore as I am able to close my eyes and remind myself that Kody is still here in some small way. However, I wear it still. It reminds me that I am human. It is okay to not be okay.