Sometimes it feels like my mind is out to get me. During the day I have a fairly good understanding of the fact that Kody is no longer here and will in fact never be here again. But at night, when my brain is free to dream, it loves to make up comforting realities that aren’t true. Just when it feels like the five stages of grief have ended, I dream my way back into denial.

This morning in my dream, Kody returned from the woods after all this time. My brain will always be able to rationalize this as he always used to talk about just going into the woods and living life as a hermit. In the dream, he just showed up on the doorstep.

This just goes to show that after all of this time, my brain can still support denial. It is easy for me to believe just about anything, but believing he’s actually gone is less easy. In my dreams, I can talk to him, hug him, and tell him everything I want to. In reality, I live in a world without him.

There is always a period of adjustment between sleeping and being fully awake. But when I am awake, reality hits me like a wall. I want to cry, but can’t. When I am awake, I feel my loss again. It’s like picking at a scab. The denial that lives in my dreams tears the wound back open.

It is a reminder that the five stages of grief are not something you work through and then finish. They continue to haunt me and I suspect that in some way they always will. My loss is not going away. Kody is not coming back out of those woods. But sometimes, my dream world of denial is more bearable than the world I have to live in.

Authors Note: I wrote this blog many months ago and consequently lost it in my drafts up until now. However, it is still very relevant. I continue to dream my way back to denial.