Loosing Kody has had a deep impact on who I am. Kody was to me a symbol of childhood, because he loved to play and to have fun. He was a person who loved watching cartoons, reading books, and collecting figurines. We always had lots of fun even as adults. For example, we purchased a butter dish shaped like a whale. We attended a 5k all about eating cake and running from strangely dressed people. Both of us were extremely competitive and loved to play video games together. Loosing him was for me a loss of childhood.

Since Kody died, I have noticed a great loss in my sense of fun. Ever since I was a child, I have loved wearing mismatched socks, so much so that I would go out of my way to ensure that I didn’t wear matching socks every single day. Even my work socks have small elements of color so I can mix these more boring socks up. Since Kody’s death, I haven’t been going out of my way to mismatch my socks. It may not seem like a big deal, but for me its a huge part of acting like a grown up. I have been trying really hard to get back into this habit, but I’m not sure it feels like me anymore.

I’m trying hard to get back to this portion of myself, but it feels like between the loss of my best friend and my mom, I’ve lost that part of myself. I bought a sugar bowl with cute kitties on it in an attempt to take myself back to that old mode. I’ve tried to incorporate some of my fun art items around my home to add that touch into the space. It doesn’t always seem like this is the right fit for me either.

It is weird to think of growing up at 30 years old. A loss of childhood at this age. But that’s the life that seems to be mine at this point. Running in the rain isn’t so exhilarating anymore. I don’t have picnics on the rug in my house the way Kody and I used to. I didn’t decorate for Halloween with enthusiasm or put up a Christmas tree with much more than a sense of obligation. Since his death, I haven’t played any of the video games on my shelf. Growing up is hard. Grieving is hard. I personally hoped that this part of my life wouldn’t happen for many many years.

Its more than mismatched socks, cool kitchen gadgets, and puzzles on the wall. There is a part of me that doesn’t take as much joy from life as it once did. Kody always showed me that it was okay to retain those qualities later into life. He could be both a serious person and someone who brought fun into absolutely everything. For some reason, his failure to continue living has killed that lesson for me. Can that playfulness be safely carried into adulthood? My anxiety holds me back on this front.

It wasn’t the fun of youth that killed Kody. I know that deep down. But living with that bright spark in my soul just doesn’t feel right anymore. I don’t know if that’ll be something that comes back to me later, or if this is a permanent loss of childhood. After almost nine months, it sure doesn’t feel like it’ll be returning.