When I first heard about 988 and the way that we hoped to transfer crisis care in this country, I was extremely hopeful. I was less hopeful when I heard that the new number would connect you to the same service: suicide hotline. This provides many people with a quick and easy number to call to reach mental health services in a hurry. However my views on this crisis line are clouded by my own experiences with it over the years.

In high school, my mother gave me the number for suicide hotline. She told me that if any of my friends were feeling suicidal this was the place to refer them to. They would be able to call at any hour and get the help that they needed. I had great faith in the use of this number when I was young. I was certain that this crisis care was the saving grace needed to rescue anyone who was suicidal. Call it naïve, but that was how I perceived this hotline until Kody called them.

I know that the people on the other end of the line did everything that they were trained to do. However, it wasn’t enough. Kody dialed them one day in a parking lot after leaving work for the thousandth time. I had urged him to call them as I had huge faith in them. The first defense in crisis care. I was out of things to do. So I clung to what I knew.

The problem with Kody’s depression was that all the usual arguments for staying in this world, fell on deaf ears. His spiritual beliefs didn’t have judgement for the suicidal and depressed that would keep him in the world. If you argued that so many people would miss him, he would tell you they’d get over it. Not only that, they’d be better off without him. So when Kody called, they weren’t able to talk him out of his depression. It didn’t work.

For me, this was world altering. The number was a last resort to me, but it had failed. I felt completely lost at what could be done from here. Kody had been hospitalized for depression and suicidal ideation in the past. That hadn’t worked. He could talk himself out of any corner, he was that smart. He could easily convince people that he was okay, when he wasn’t. So the usual things didn’t work for him.

Even though the suicide hotline was unable to help Kody. I still have hope for the future. I am hopeful that dedicating the number 988 to crisis care will mean more people can reach out and find hope. Admittedly, what I hope for even more is that this will just be a first step to reinventing mental health care in this country. I want a response team, that can actually do something more. A team of people able to respond and trained to talk even people like Kody into the continued pursuit of mental health. There are many lives being lived today because of the resource we already have. With extension of this resource, more could be saved. I will continue to hope.