Everyone says there is no timeline for grief. Yet when people ask me how I’m doing, I still feel pressure to not bother them with my problems. I tell them I’m okay. I force a smile. But I have a secret. I’m not fine. I’m not okay.

It’s been more than a year and it no longer feels okay to not be okay. My life is really good. I have a beautiful house, a wonderful husband, supportive friends and family members, a job I love. I am luckier than most. But there are some days that are still so difficult, some moments that are just so hard. I want my best friend back.

Kody was such a constant in my life. Whenever I wanted to talk he was there. I could always rely on him to send me a funny picture or a video. Even after we divorced we were friends. Which is so rare. He was my cheerleader, always happy when anything went well for me. While I still have so many wonderful people in my life, he’s not replaceable.

I recently read a post from someone talking about the death of their friend many years ago by suicide. The pain is still there. The pain is still raw. Is that what I have to look forward to? Years more of this? I’m told that things get better, but do they?

In another year how will I feel? In ten years? Twenty? Right now it feels like the pain will just stay around. And at the same time I’m scared that it won’t. I’m scared that I will forget him. I don’t want him to stop being a part of my life. So no, I’m not fine; I’m lying.