What is it about the human brain that makes is so challenging to believe that someone who has died has gone. My brain still seems to be processing my loss without fully understanding that Kody is gone and isn’t coming back. I forget that he’s gone. So much of the time my brain goes oh that’s so cool, let’s tell Kody. Or Kody would love that picture send it to him.
It seems to take almost a whole second for my brain to adjust and for me to remind myself that he is gone. This has started happening less and less regularly, but it still does happen. I try to do what I can to get my brain on track with everything, but during the times I am most relaxed, it seems to let go of the information that Kody is dead. For example, recently I was scrolling on Facebook and saw the picture in this blog. Kody loved a good pun. Putting a duck painting above a low wall would be something he’d just love to do.
When I saw this picture, I immediately went to share the picture and had already clicked share before I remembered that Kody was dead. Each time I am reminded like this, it feels like missing a step on a staircase. For a moment, I am deeply frozen by the loss yet again. I wish that my brain would get with the program sometimes. It’s been a year and yet I still haven’t fully accepted the loss.
There are also so many dreams. Kody seems to be in my dreams all the time. Not necessarily a focal point, but a big part of many of them. When I wake up, it takes a bit of time for me to get to a point where I am actually able to remember that he is gone. I wish that my brain would stop playing these games with me. I wish that it was easier to keep him out of my dreams, at least for now. I’m sure its all part of the process, but I wish processing my loss didn’t include moments like these.
Having this hold up in my brain is hard, but I’m pretty sure that it is normal as well. It is good to know that my brain just hasn’t forgotten him immediately. It is I suppose at testament to our bond. I was his person. The grief is worth that bond that we shared with each other.