This time of the year is fun for so many people. I can remember countless Fourth of July days in the past where I enjoyed fireworks of one kind or another. However, ever since Kody died by suicide, loud sudden bangs have been a trigger for me. I feel panic rising in my stomach after any loud pop or bang. I know that this is some form of PTSD after suicide loss.
When Kody and I celebrated the Fourth of July, he always asked to go to the firework stand to purchase fireworks. Now the kind of fireworks that Kody liked were the ones that were more smoke and fun than loud and crazy. He purchased sparklers, snakes, and other types of fireworks typically advertised for children. This worked well for me as I didn’t like loud noises in any case and preferred to be far away from fireworks.
He delighted in lighting off smoke bombs and snakes, loving the chemical reactions. As someone with a love of science, I think these types of fireworks appealed to him. They were ones that were almost like science experiments. Even in later years, when Kody didn’t enjoy many of the things he had previously, he grasped small moments of joy from lighting off these types of fireworks.
My dislike of fireworks has only increased as the years have gone on. This is partially because I work with dogs and dogs have a hatred of fireworks all their own. Now for me, any loud bang is a trigger. Since Kody used a shotgun in his suicide, loud sudden noises throw me into a state of instant panic. I wasn’t there when he did it, and never heard the shot that ended his life. But for some reason I am set into this panic mode anytime I hear a loud bang. My heart rate accelerates. I am instantly emersed in thought of his last moments. My PTSD after suicide loss is hard to deal with. I never know when a loud sudden noise is coming. New Years Eve for me was bad enough, but I know that Fourth of July will be worse.
The days leading up to it have been awful. Each evening, people set off at least a few fireworks. I have to shut the window and turn up the TV to drown out the noise. Tonight after work, I’ll blast a few of Kody’s CDs so that I don’t have to hear any of it. I just can’t stand having to face so many bangs and pops that set off my PTSD after suicide loss.