Something that continues to come up for me is the way other people have dealt with Kody’s death. Suicide loss isn’t something that you just get over. When someone dies by suicide, there is a ripple effect. Everyone that person knows is suddenly thrown into grief and the way that they handle that is different for all. No one leaves this earth, especially not so suddenly, without causing pain and suffering to friends and others. One take on this is that those who die by suicide are selfish for putting everyone they know into this situation.

I have already stated that anger is one of the more fun stages of grief. By that I mean that by being angry, we are really able to push away the worst feelings that come with grief. Anger at being abandoned, being left to face this without someone who has gone on, is completely fair and reasonable. Suicide is such a complex death to grasp and it is easy to blame the person who has died for leaving this world. I have heard repeatedly, “suicide is a selfish act.” It is easy to see why people feel this way.

When someone chooses to leave this world, the human spirit of those around them is crushed by that unthinkable thought. Those who have never been deep in the forest of depression simply are not able to understand why someone would choose that path over something else. It looks selfish. A person has put no longer dealing with their own pain over the pain of their family and friends. I don’t blame anyone who feels this way.

However, I don’t think that suicide is as selfish as people think. From my discussions with Kody prior to his death, I know that the pain was something far beyond his control. Living a day to day life for him was so painful. Its like watching someone drown slowly, and being completely unable to help. Kody worried constantly about being a burden. Being a burden to friends, to family, to society, to the VA. He felt deeply that people would be better off without him. Worse, this wasn’t something you couldn’t just talk him out of. The feeling nagged at him constantly.

To Kody, no longer living was what was best for his friends and family as well. When I pointed out how anyone would feel if he died, he’d tell me they’d “get over it and then they’d be happier.” These words stung each time he said them, but I know he truly believed this. He was certain that his family would be happier after he was gone. So I know that to him, suicide was not selfishness. It was selfless. He freed the world from having to “deal with him.”

On the other hand, death by suicide is a release from the pain a person has been feeling. In Kody’s mind, he tried. He tried so hard to stay here and find something that would ease his pain. Whether anyone agrees with that or not is beyond the point. The day to day pain that he lived with is completely unfathomable. Everyone goes through depression differently, so even others who have struggled with depression can’t understand his experience with it. When I look at the situation, coming from a space away from anger, I see that suicide is not selfish. Perhaps we are the selfish ones, to expect people to continue existing each and every day with that level of pain.