Out of all the stages of grief, one that is especially interesting to me has been anger. The anger stage is often quite amusing when you get right down to it and it is certainly more fun than bargaining and depression. For me, since Kody’s death anger has come and gone frequently as my grief has changed. I think this was actually a stage that came to me early in the denial stage as I was immediately angry when I heard he was missing. I was immediately furious that he’d put his family through this, put me through this again.

During our relationship, there were times when Kody would disappear. He never seemed to quite understand that when he vanished, my first concern was that he was dead. The first time he was hospitalized for depression, he sent me several texts very early in the morning and then just disappeared all weekend. The texts showed that he was in a depressive state, so I immediately worried about him. After the first day, I contacted his roommate to find out where he was. John confirmed that he was on a psych hold. I was furious that he hadn’t thought to let me know, but it was because he hadn’t yet memorized my phone number.

This time no one knew where Kody was and I was immediately angry, probably because it was easier to be angry than to be scared and sad. When I heard no one at all had heard from him, I was sure he was dead. Since they found his body, I have cycled back into anger on a regular basis. Of all the stages of grief, anger seems to be the easiest to me. Anger doesn’t hurt like depression and bargaining. I can hold on to fury at him for taking this way out.

It initially felt far easier to rage and feel angry about what he did. I broiled with the fact that he hadn’t said anything or told anyone. My anger at him taking “the easy way out” could be very satisfying at times. The truth is, it wasn’t the easy way. He knew how he’d make his family feel, how his friends would feel, how I would feel. That couldn’t have ever been easy. Kody cared so much about everyone. I knew that was what kept him here for so long.

I have very recently started to loose my ability to stay in anger for any length of time. It isn’t possible to stay mad at him. It’s even more challenging to blame others the further I get into grieving. Even being angry with myself isn’t simple anymore. I know that no one could have prevented Kody’s death. I know that he didn’t kill himself out of spite for any of us. Even the VA did the best they could with him, even if mistakes might have been made.

I suppose this means that I have completed anger as one of the stages of grief. Or that I am starting to come to a place where the anger is ending. There is a feeling of acceptance lingering on the edges. I don’t know that I’m ready to go there just yet. Being angry a bit longer feels easier at least. But the truth is I know that I am coming to terms with anger and moving on in the grieving process.