When I first set up this blog, I struggled to find the right word to explain what it is to be someone left behind by a person who died by suicide. A suicide survivor, is someone who has survived a suicide attempt. I actually searched online to find the right term. Suicide loss survivor. Its an interesting term to say the least, but it captures the essence of what it is to be someone left behind.

Losing Kody to suicide, shocked me to my core. I knew so much about Kody’s depression and his treatment, but it wasn’t enough to protect me from the shock. The fact that previous attempts had failed, convinced me that he wouldn’t actually do it. His anxiety stood in the way of those attempts. I relied on it to keep him safe from himself.

Initially the term, suicide loss survivor didn’t feel right, because I felt like I wasn’t really surviving. It felt like I was drowning in grief. I kept telling myself I have lost people in the past and it has always gotten better. This didn’t keep me from sinking into my own sort of depressive funk. I dove into working on my house with every part of my being. It helped to keep me from focusing on grief. The hours I spent alone, weren’t as difficult with a project to work on.

My mother died a little over a month from Kody’s death. She was suffering from terminal cancer so it wasn’t unexpected. Two losses so close together rocked me even more. I couldn’t imagine surviving it without my mother to bounce things off of. Kody was like a child to my mom. She loved him unconditionally, as she loved all my friends. The first thing she said when I told her they found Kody’s body was, “I am so thankful they found him, but I hate the idea of living in a world without him.”

Living in a world without Kody is more difficult than I could have imagined. Its only made more challenging by the loss of my mother. My two big sounding boards in my life are gone. When there were things I couldn’t talk with my husband about, Kody and Michele always helped. My husband is a wonderful and caring man, but there are times where I need advice from many sources. Those two people gave wonderful advice and listened so well. Kody perfected the “That’s really hard. I’m here for you,” type of help.

I know in my heart that Kody is still here for me, my mother is still here for me, but not having them here physically is challenging. Talking to them without response, just isn’t quite the same for me. I can feel their energies continuing to guide me in my recovery from their deaths. It’s been over six months since Kody left this world, but there are moments where it feels as raw as the first day without them.

What is it to be a survivor? For me, its just taking the steps. Baby steps. Sometimes I feel like I’m not moving fast enough. I don’t have people checking on me every day anymore, so maybe that means I should get over it. I don’t remember other periods of grief that were like this. Of course, I’ve never lost someone like Kody before. I’ve never lost someone like my mother before. Too loose them both in the space of a little over a month, has been incredibly difficult.

I strive to be a suicide loss survivor. I want to get to a point in my life where this hurts less.