When I first arrived in Alaska, I wrote the post about wishing that Kody was able to see everything that I saw. Now as I contemplate my departure from this beautiful space, I wish and I wonder. I know that Kody would have loved Alaska. Whenever his thoughts got to be too much or when he became too stressed, he would head out into nature. At one point it was his goal to go on a hike regularly, because this was something that truly helped with his mental health. He chose to be in nature in his death, because this would somehow help us with our suicide loss.

I remember when my father first moved to Alaska, Kody expressed interest in going to Alaska as well. He always loved the idea of disappearing into the wilderness, becoming some kind of hermit. Now that I’ve been here, I know that this place would have been good for Kody’s soul. I know that being alone in Alaska could never have helped with his suicidal thoughts, but just being emersed in nature like this would have been good for him.

Things move slowly here. Wildlife surrounds you on all sides. The trees are filled with birds and the bay filled with whales, otters, and fish. This is a place where you can sit in real quiet. The beauty of nature surrounds all sides of the world here. It is easy to breathe in a space where there is nothing but clean fresh air. The healing nature of this space fills lungs with each breath.

The more time I spend here the more I realize that my initial wish that Kody could see everything I’m seeing is foolish. Kody is here. He is on the breeze with the eagles that swoop above the creek, dropping in a moment to collect an unwary fish. He is in the salty smell of the kelp drying upon the shore. Kody lives in the beauty of the distant mountains and the waves that rock boats on the bay. In the quiet, I can feel him here around me, better than I ever could at home.

He is forever reachable, at once far away and closer than touch. His laughter echoes through the shores. His smile glows in the sunshine reflecting on the water. It is a light and heaviness at once happy and filled with despair. It is easy to connect to Kody’s spirit in nature, all I have to do is make myself present in every moment of joy, melancholy, and sadness. I can feel myself healing. Coming to terms with suicide loss in a way I haven’t before. To have both lost and gained so much is almost unfathomable.