When I talk to acquaintances or people I don’t really know about Kody, I never use the word was. I speak as if he is still around. I also tend to refer to him as my best friend, as that saves me from the complicated explanation of who Kody is to me. When I edit this blog, I go back over paragraphs and try to correct some of the present tense to past tense where appropriate. For me, one of the most difficult parts of suicide loss has been a transition to the word “was” when it comes to Kody.

Sometimes I catch myself when I’m talking about him with friends and family. I purposely put the word “was” in my mouth. It doesn’t fit there. It’s hard to use, hard to remember to use. Generally the word “is” comes out without me being able to stop it. Why does this happen? I suppose because “was” is still a hard thing for me to grasp. Kody no longer being here is still unfathomable to me. It sometimes feels like he’s just away for the time being. He is unreachable currently, but not forever.

I suppose there is some reality in that. Kody isn’t here physically, but I can still feel his energy around me. He still comes to me in dreams. I have yet to process him from “is” to “was”. I’m afraid of that happening to be honest. I don’t know how to live in a world where Kody becomes “was” to me. Suicide loss is so sudden, that it may take even longer for me to transition to this naturally.

It sometimes feels like if I transition to “was” fully, then his death will be even more real to me. This is the longest I have ever gone without a text or a call from Kody, and yet some part of me is still waiting for that to happen. Part of me still hasn’t accepted that he has died. It may not make any sense, but that part of me is what stops me from using “was” so easily. I suppose to some degree this is part of the denial stage of grief.

When will Kody become “was” to me? I can’t say. I suppose it will eventually come. But for now, I hold on to him as “is” in my life.