Over the time that I dated Kody, I experienced this feeling in different ways. We started our relationship out dating long distance with him in the Navy stationed in New York and me in Seattle, WA for college. There were times at social events in college where I wished I could find him in a crowd and just go for a walk. Wished it so deeply in my soul. I would typically satisfy myself with texting him to let him know I missed him and try harder to immerse myself in whatever event was going on. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Since Kody’s death, it is a lot easier to feel alone in a crowd. I was especially surprised by this feeling in the SeaTac airport during my recent trip. I realized suddenly that the airport had become a space that I connected so deeply with Kody. Since we were dating long distance in college, driving to the airport meant I was going to see him soon. I didn’t realize that returning to the airport would be so challenging after his death. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

Riding in the car to the airport, I realized with dread that my mind associated this drive with going to get Kody. Even though I knew he was dead, I could feel anticipation building as I drove. As I stepped into the security line, I remembered one of the last times I dropped Kody off here. He’d had me follow him all the way to where the line turned, so we could have all the moments possible. On the plane, when they asked me what I wanted to drink I ordered a ginger ale. Kody and I always had ginger ale on planes even though we never liked it particularly anywhere else. <\/p>\n\n\n\n