That wasn’t to say he was magically better either. He still had periods of time where he was extremely low. He probably still had thoughts like that, but the time in the psych ward had taught him one thing. While he was in the Navy, he had to hide his depression to keep his job.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

In the later years, I would wonder how long and how well he’d hidden his depression. The suicidal thoughts became suicide attempts, which he hid from me. We bought rainbow rope at the hardware store for our cars and when I saw he’d opened his, I asked about it and he avoided an answer. When there was burnt paper ash in the fireplace, I asked what he’d burned and he’d dodge the question. <\/p>\n\n\n\n

He later admitted to me that he’d tried to kill himself. And told me about other attempts, other suicide notes. That was when our journey with living with depression really began. But as the months went by and the pills were tried and the therapists were tested, I quickly realized nothing was working. And while I still hoped, I began the process of a long goodbye<\/a>. Any time I left my house I would hug him and kiss him and tell him how much I loved him, because I could only hope he’d be there when I came back.<\/p>\n\n\n\n

Now that he has gone, I have so many moments I think back on and wonder about. I wish I had realized what was going on sooner. I wish he’d gotten help sooner. But those are only wishes and ones that will never come true. <\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I remember the first time Kody told me he felt suicidal. He was still in the Navy, on the other side of the country. He was having a hard time after the death of a family member. Kody talked about jumping in a frozen New York pond and just letting himself sink under the water. […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"nf_dc_page":"","om_disable_all_campaigns":false,"WB4WB4WP_MODE":"","WB4WP_PAGE_SCRIPTS":"","WB4WP_PAGE_STYLES":"","WB4WP_PAGE_FONTS":"","WB4WP_PAGE_HEADER":"","WB4WP_PAGE_FOOTER":"","_monsterinsights_skip_tracking":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_active":false,"_monsterinsights_sitenote_note":"","_monsterinsights_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":"","jetpack_publicize_message":"","jetpack_publicize_feature_enabled":true,"jetpack_social_post_already_shared":true,"jetpack_social_options":{"image_generator_settings":{"template":"highway","enabled":false},"version":2}},"categories":[8],"tags":[12,24],"class_list":["post-735","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-living-with-depression","tag-living-with-depression","tag-suicide-loss"],"jetpack_publicize_connections":[],"yoast_head":"\n